Monday, July 20, 2015

Stage 1 of grieving Theo

Theo 2007-2015
Today I lost my puppy. The only thing I know how to do to cope is write down my thoughts and share them. So I thought I would share my journey on my blog so that I can process. Theo has been my biggest supporter and companion for the past 8 years. That little angel was by me through so much. He has traveled with me, been my companion through some of the hardest points in my life. He sat patiently with me through chemo-therapy and the many sick days in bed, lived through MANY moves across the country in several different apartments, and been a happy constant presence in my life.

Some may say that he was just a dog, but I cannot explain the unconditional love he had for me, and i for him. He was happy to see me every time i came into a room. That constant support for the past 8 years has been magical.

My heart hurts and feelings of guilt over not protecting him are plaguing me. In dealing with immense grief over this, I am trying remember his little wagging tail, his excitement every time I walked into a room, the joy he brought to myself and so many other people that he met, and what it felt like to be loved so unconditionally. 

Theo was the first dog I've ever owned, and if you know anything about me, you know I love animals. I have always watched friends who have to put down their dogs and though I truly felt for them, I could never imagine how much pain they were actually in. The decision to not proceed with his surgeries was devastating. 

So what to do? 

-Allow myself to grieve
-remember all the beauty and joy he brought to me for 8 years
-have strength that I did the right thing for him
-feel grateful and lucky to have had time in my life
-find joy in his memory
-realize that I have so MUCH love, support and friendship and be grateful for the amazing people in my life: family, friends, my Beachbody family. People all over the world that are there for me. 

No matter how devastating everything happens for a reason. I know Theo was not taken from me without a greater cause. So for now, I will sleep, wake up, shower, eat and bask in his memory and the unconditional love he provided me. My biggest takeaway being that he wasn't just my dog. He belonged to many many people and was loved my many. He lit of the faces of everyone that saw him even strangers. He will be forever loved.