Thursday, July 23, 2015

ANNOUNCING my surprise....

ok ok. It has been EXTREMELY sad and heartbreaking to lose my Theo. He was everything to me. He was the first pet I ever owned, and losing him was so much more painful than I ever imagined. That dog was there for me through so much. I have been crying, praying, having nightmares and feeling so lost and sad.

I suppose everyone deals with loss differently. My friends Jenn and Mike who I am currently traveling shared with me that when they lost their dog tragically a while back, they immediately went out and got a new pet. I admit that when they first told me this, I was a bit horrified. I in no way was of the mindset that I could get a new dog. I had a list a reasons:

-betraying Theo and not honoring him
-I travel a lot and am currently on the road and taking care of a puppy would be difficult
-I am homeless until further notice and it is not the right time to train a new dog
-I was worried about what other people would think of my moving on so soon

Laying in my lap
But then Mike told me his friend had teacup Yorkie available and asked if I wanted to go play with him. I figured, well at least it will lift my spirits and give me the puppy love I was craving. So I reluctantly went along.

On the way, we got caught in a hail storm. This was particularly funny because we were in Mike's VERY nice Corvette and we had the top down. We had to pull over under a bridge and the cars were spraying water all into the car. I was laughing so hard at Mike trying to put up the roof and complaining that his car had never touched water. Through the laughing, I realized that my happiness is so important. The laughter released endorphins and I decided to be more open to the new puppy idea. If he made me laugh it may be worth all my initial objections.

We have the same hair color

 When I met him, he was placed in my arms and immediately took the same position that Theo always laid in. My heart melted. I put him down to play with him and he began hopping around and running into walls as he chased toys...and I laughed and smiled. I didn't notice that I was until 10 minutes into it. That was it. It was all I needed to proceed.

I want to announce a new addition to the family. Though he can in no way replace Theo, he is providing me with so much love, happiness and comfort as I grieve my loss and he is a very special puppy. He plays, lays on my lap, is friendly and fun and gives kisses when I need it. Hard to believe he is only 5 months old since he is so well behaved.

All I know is, he makes me happy. Happiness is worth it. Companionship is worth it. Theo lives on in me (and MANY others) always. I look forward to sharing his journey with you.

He still needs a name! Anyone want to put some on the table?

Monday, July 20, 2015

Stage 1 of grieving Theo

Theo 2007-2015
Today I lost my puppy. The only thing I know how to do to cope is write down my thoughts and share them. So I thought I would share my journey on my blog so that I can process. Theo has been my biggest supporter and companion for the past 8 years. That little angel was by me through so much. He has traveled with me, been my companion through some of the hardest points in my life. He sat patiently with me through chemo-therapy and the many sick days in bed, lived through MANY moves across the country in several different apartments, and been a happy constant presence in my life.

Some may say that he was just a dog, but I cannot explain the unconditional love he had for me, and i for him. He was happy to see me every time i came into a room. That constant support for the past 8 years has been magical.

My heart hurts and feelings of guilt over not protecting him are plaguing me. In dealing with immense grief over this, I am trying remember his little wagging tail, his excitement every time I walked into a room, the joy he brought to myself and so many other people that he met, and what it felt like to be loved so unconditionally. 

Theo was the first dog I've ever owned, and if you know anything about me, you know I love animals. I have always watched friends who have to put down their dogs and though I truly felt for them, I could never imagine how much pain they were actually in. The decision to not proceed with his surgeries was devastating. 

So what to do? 

-Allow myself to grieve
-remember all the beauty and joy he brought to me for 8 years
-have strength that I did the right thing for him
-feel grateful and lucky to have had time in my life
-find joy in his memory
-realize that I have so MUCH love, support and friendship and be grateful for the amazing people in my life: family, friends, my Beachbody family. People all over the world that are there for me. 

No matter how devastating everything happens for a reason. I know Theo was not taken from me without a greater cause. So for now, I will sleep, wake up, shower, eat and bask in his memory and the unconditional love he provided me. My biggest takeaway being that he wasn't just my dog. He belonged to many many people and was loved my many. He lit of the faces of everyone that saw him even strangers. He will be forever loved.