I could insert a paragraph here about how looks do not matter and it is about the INSIDE etc, but I am not going to and pretend that I do not care about the way I look. I care now, and I cared then, but chose not to admit it to ANYONE, especially myself. We all care. I think we care so much because when we are ACTUALLY confident in our outside appearance, it REALLY DOES HELP with the inside (for me anyways). My mother would tell me she admired me for my confidence even through the weight gain. But inside I was not. Far from it.
Here is what an average day would look like for me: I would wake up in the morning and look forward only to the food in my day. I would plan out where I would eat and WHAT I would eat and that was the only thing that got me out of bed. I would drive to McDonald's and stop for lunch, order a Coke or a Milkshake (or both) Fries and Chicken Nuggets (the 10 piece). I would eat it in the car in the parking lot before my classes started. Then I would throw away the evidence and pop in a breath mint, and go to school.
Then the whole day I would look forward to what I would eat for dinner.
On the way home, I would stop at Wendy's for dinner, get a double cheeseburger and french fries and another coke and then the same routine. I wouldn't want my Boyfriend to know, so I would throw away the packaging, spray an air freshener, and pop another breath mint.
AND THEN I would go home and eat dinner WITH my boyfriend.
Not to mention the bagels, the sammy's the ice cream trips etc etc etc.
YUCK. Do you think I just ate away my insecurities? I do, but I also think I wasn't well rounded enough in my life to have anything else to look forward to.
My insecurities stemmed from unpleasantness I felt physically and mentally. I remember being so extremely uncomfortable especially because it was HOT in Arizona. I had to wear shorts under my dresses so that my thighs didn't chafe and get raw. Even though it was hot, I had to wear Spanx under my clothes to suck in my love handles just to fit into them, as I couldn't really afford to keeping buying new clothes from the weight I was gaining. I was hot all the time. I remember once someone very close to me suggested "maybe if you lost some weight, you wouldn't feel so hot all the time." That STUNG. At the time, I had a wild temper, and I retorted back with something about not being fat and stormed off.
In another instance, a good friend (and now a best friend) pointed out something to me that was completely embarrassing. I cringe as I write this...I was SO UNAWARE of my body growing and of my size, that I neglected to adequately adjust specific articles of clothing...in this case, my bra size. Having gained some boobs (YAY!) from the weight gain, my friend said to me" girl, you are wearing the wrong bra size. It is way too small. You need to go get remeasured." I was COMPLETELY MORTIFIED. I was angry at her, and angry with the world. So, I reluctantly went with her to the mall to get remeasured. The size I was presently wearing was a 34 A and I measured at a 36 D!!! This completely shocked me and I believe it was the first step towards accepting my weight gain. I cannot thank my friend enough for her frankness.
Even though I hid it from the world and from myself, I felt completely unattractive. I didn't even bother to dress up because I thought, "what is the point?". I would counter that by thinking "I am not really that big. Everything is fine". It was a CONSTANT mind game. I would trick myself into thinking I was fine and then ALL the signs would point to unhealthiness and weight gain. I ignored all the signs that my body was failing me:
-constant low energy
-napping 2-3 hours a day
-fainting spells
-low blood sugar levels and hypoglycemia
-dizziness every day
-nauseousness every day
-vomiting most days for no reason
-high levels of anxiety
-feeling overheated
-my skin on my arms began breaking out into rashes
HELLLLLLLOOOO?????? Wake up Jenny!!! I went to the doc searching for any solution. But it was right in front of me.
After taking in these clues from family, friends, and how I was feeling I began to accept the weight gain. It took a CANCER DIAGNOSIS for me to really sit down and look at my life, my habits and really truly SEE myself. It all came into focus after a round of chemo where I had lost 10 pounds. I saw a picture of myself 10 pounds heavier and I became overcome with realization of what I had been doing to my body. I had gained 60-70 pounds in 3-4 years, and I sat there with all those symptoms listed above and possible death sentence.
So one day at a time, I changed. A simple change from soda to water allotted me a 10 pound loss. A slow implementation of physical activity (when I could with chemo), was integrated. I began to research and started learning how to cook and make healthier choices.
Now those pounds are gone. The low energy, fainting, dizziness, vomiting, rashes, napping and feelings of insecurity are gone. The CANCER is gone.
I am a better person now because I love who I am. I had to feel confident, and my body needed to be healthy to have the energy to even feel confidence, and yes, I needed to feel attractive on the outside to begin working on the inside. Yes, I will be judged for saying this, but I am only saying what I truly feel.
I am telling you this now because I know others out their can relate. It IS possible to change your life. You CAN break through this! You CAN be healthy, happy and feel good about yourself. It starts with ONE SMALL change.
If I can help you in any way, write to me at jennyabeauregard@gmail.com or find me on FB and send me a message.
www.facebook.com/fitoperasinger
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